In a previous post Thinking about all my Stuff, I wrote about all the stuff I wanted to clean up. Thinking about all my stuff had become a burden that needed to go. I needed to clean up so that I could get a load off my mind.
This time, I tackled my filing cabinet. I’ve been reluctant to get into this job. I knew it would be very time consuming. I knew that, even when it was done, the room wouldn’t look very different, because everything was locked up and hidden in files. In fact, I wondered if it was even worth starting such a job.
Issues, Incidents and Conflict
A few days ago, I bit the bullet, opened the files and began sorting. I found lots of stories of “issues” and incidents and conflict, mostly at work, from several different workplaces. I’d kept a record for my own benefit, in case of later repercussions. Cleaning up took days and days, as I needed to read every single bit of paper and be reminded of every single incident, before I could get the load off my mind.
This was not an easy task, as it brought up memories, some more than twenty years old. I had emails from work colleagues accusing me of stepping on their turf; and diary entries telling how fellow staff members had denied me information or excluded me from events. My bosses had refused my requests for professional development, or resources. An admin person didn’t want me to swap my workdays one week, because she had to fill out too much paperwork. My emails offering to help Mrs x, were misinterpreted to say that I was telling her that she didn’t know how to do her work. I read old promotion applications which had been rejected, and the position given to those who were friends with the panel members. I cringed when I read about the woman who continually harassed me about how I did my work, and how she did hers better. She even followed me into the toilet and continued to accuse me from outside my cubicle. One of my colleagues had repeatedly reported my “failures” to our boss, and I had to meet with him several times to explain my actions. I remember all the sleep I lost on many nights, as I prepared to speak with him. I remember trying to speak to various bosses but being brushed off as not important. I remember all the extra hours of work, and the lack of thanks. In fact, when monthly staff awards came around, I never got one. It was supposed to be a fair process, with staff members nominating their fellows, and the one with the most votes getting the award. Several colleagues told me that they had nominated me, but the award went to the boss’s pet.
Bad Memories
I’d known there were a load of issues in the filing cabinet. Even though they were locked up, I knew they were there. Although perhaps I couldn’t remember every single detail, I remember the places and the people. I remember the pain, the hurt, and the disappointment. I remember feeling undervalued and unloved.
Power Struggles
As I look back, I don’t believe that I was deliberately stirring up trouble. I just wanted to do my own job, as best as I could. It seems now that perhaps many of my colleagues felt threatened by me. They needed to tell me that they were better and more powerful. I didn’t see them or my work as a competition. But they seemed to want to show me that they were more important and more valuable than me. Even one of my bosses brought me into her office and accused me of having an issue with her. Previously, she had asked one of my colleagues, a friend, to leave. I said that incident was not my business. Although I had helped my friend with paperwork and finding information on her rights and responsibilities, I certainly had not said anything about the boss behind her back.
What can I Learn from this?
I needed to take the time to read all my notes, and to reflect on the situations. I’m still processing it all even now. I’m trying to make sense of it all and see what I learned from it.
To be honest, I’ve held a lot of grief about all this, for a long time. And I’ve been very bitter about it. But, as I read, and processed, I shredded all the notes. And that’s a good feeling, a load off my mind.
I’ve got a sense of peace about all the years of trouble at the workplace. Maybe that’s just because it’s over now. But I’d like to think that I’ve become a better character because of it.
We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)
God knows your History
I don’t know if you are facing difficulties at work or at home right now. Or if you have stored-up memories of bad stuff that has happened in the past. I do know that it’s very easy to become critical, angry and bitter about all the bad stuff. The issues can become a burden that you bear in your heart, and that you can never seem to clean up.
Maybe you’ve been told that you should forgive, but you wonder why. Why should you let go of all the hurt, anger and bitterness that ‘they’ have caused you? They just don’t deserve your forgiveness. Rather than forgive, you are looking for revenge.
God says, however:
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
Romans 12:19
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
Matthew 5:44
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles.
Proverbs 24:17
Cleansed from sins done BY you and sins done TO you
The Bible tells us that Jesus has cleansed us from all sin:
But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
1 John 1:7
Because of Jesus, we are cleansed from ALL sin. This includes the sins done BY us, and the sins done TO us.
This is a powerful thought for me. I am cleansed from the sins I have done, AND from the sins done to me. Wow! That’s amazing! What a load off my mind!
More Processing Needed
Like I said, I’m still working this out. That’s what this blog www.jesusontheroad.com is all about: “Wandering through life, searching for Godly meaning and purpose in the every day; and answers about what comes next.”
I think there will be more posts on this subject.
Please don’t think I’m boasting about how clever or great I am to have this load off my mind. Not at all! I’m a work in progress.
You may have troubles that were far worse than mine. Maybe you still do. If what I’m learning can also help you, then praise the Lord!
Until next time, may God’s grace be with you.
NOTE:
If you are facing bullying or abuse at work, please seek help.